Week 13.1 – Plan B

Previously: Digger used the Cup of Regret to travel back in time and prevent the Cobalt Czar from taking his hostage. However, the cup sent him back to the wrong time. On the trip, Digger discovered an almost invisible carving on the surface of the crystal used with the cup. And now…

Twain dumped out the small sack on the bed. A small box of children’s crayons fell out. Twain opened the box and pulled out the black crayon. He peeled the paper off and took the crystal from Digger.

“What are you doing?” Digger asked.

“You’ll see,” Twain answered. He rubbed the side of the crayon back and forth across the surface of the crystal, and gradually, a dark shape appeared as the carving filled with black wax.

“Do you recognize the character?” Digger asked.

“Yeah,” Twain said quietly.

“Well?” Digger asked after a moment. “What’s wrong? Does it mean something important?”

“Um, no. No, it’s shi,” Twain said. “It just means time.”

“Time.”

“Yeah,” Twain said. “Not so unusual since it’s a crystal that makes you travel through time. The character’s a pictograph of a clock.”

“Doesn’t look like a clock to me,” Digger said. “Where’s the hands?”

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”right”]“I didn’t know there was a Plan B.” “That’s because you rarely even bother with Plan A,” Twain said. “A guy like me always has to have a Plan B.”[/blockquote]“It’s a Chinese clock,” Twain said. “See, those legs represent a table, and the horizontal lines represent bowls with water. Water drips from the top bowl to the lower one.”

“Like an hourglass, only not with sand,” Digger said.

“Yeah.” Twain sighed. “This doesn’t help us, though. The cup works, but not in a way to solve your problem.”

“So what now?” Digger asked. “We go back to Bayside and talk to the cops?”

“No way,” Twain said. “I’m not going back there. If you want to get arrested, feel free.”

“But I wouldn’t be getting arrested if it weren’t for you roping me into doing those robberies,” Digger said. “When I go back, you’re coming with me.”

“Well let’s keep that on the back burner, then,” Twain said. “We still haven’t tried Plan B.”

“I didn’t know there was a Plan B.”

“That’s because you rarely even bother with Plan A,” Twain said. “A guy like me always has to have a Plan B.”

“So what’s Plan B?” Digger asked.

Twain slipped the crystal into his pocket. “Do you remember when we met in New Mexico? When you helped me steal the Mask of El Coco?”

“Okay, number one, I didn’t ‘help you’ steal it,” Digger said. “You drugged and deceived me. And number two,  please stop saying that name. It sounds stupid. What of it?”

“The mask is Plan B,” Twain said.

***

“Hello, Ron,” said Everett Cornwall as he walked into Invictus’s room in the private clinic.

Acheron Boniface was sitting up in bed, pale but in apparently good health, other than the bandaged stump where his right arm had been. He’d been bent over his bed tray, leaning over a bowl of soup, when Everett walked in, but he quickly straightened up. Still self-conscious about his bald spot, Everett mused, even when his missing arm should make it pale into insignificance. “Everett,” Ron acknowledged, “good of you to come.”

“You’re looking well,” Everett said. Ron glanced at his bandaged shoulder, and Everett added, “Relatively, I mean. But it does bring up the question: just what happened to you?”

What did happen to Invictus? Find out tomorrow in our next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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Super Movies – Fantastic Four, Part 1

Live-action success for Marvel’s original superhero team, the Fantastic Four, was a long time coming. They were featured in cartoon series over the years, from Hanna Barbera in the 60’s to DePatie/Freleng in the 70’s (in which the Human Torch was famously replaced by a talking robot named Herbie). But the team was passed over when Universal was doing their TV adaptations of the various characters in the late 70’s, and no one else even attempted to put real people in those famous blue jumpsuits until the 90’s, when Roger Corman’s New World Studios threw together a cheap version which went unreleased.

I thought about covering that version here first, but did not for two reasons: number one, it was never released in theaters, and number two, the versions I can find on-line are very low quality, so I could not pull good screen captures.

The story goes that Chris Columbus had 20th Century Fox buy the rights to the cheapie and withhold it from release so it would not cheapen his big-budget Fantastic Four movie then in development. And considering that one of the executive producers on the New World film has a producer credit on the 2005 20th Century Fox release, I’d say I have to give the story some credence. [ETA: A more accurate version I’ve heard is that the cheapie was made specifically so that Bernd Eichinger of Constantin Film, the aforementioned exec producer, could maintain the rights to the characters]

The point is that it was over 40 years before the Fantastic Four got proper feature film treatment, although the project was saddled with delays and rewrites for years. So let’s take a look at it and see what they finally came up with.

The film opens with Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), famous but broke scientist, pitching an idea for a space-based experiment to corporate big-wig (and former college-mate) Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon). Reed wants to expose plants to a cosmic radiation cloud to see the effects on their DNA. With the support of ex-girlfriend Susan Storm (Jessica Alba), a genetics researcher working for Doom, and best bud Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis), former NASA pilot, Reed convinces Doom to host the experiment on his space station.

The four, accompanied by Sue’s younger brother Johnny (Chris Evans), fly up to the space station just in time to be blind-sided by the storm when it arrives early. And when the storm hits, it hits hard.

I don’t have a problem with the changes to the FF’s origin, since the original version was obviously written before manned space flight rendered exaggerated fears of cosmic rays pretty baseless. That being said, what we’re given here, while more “plausible,” is pretty bland. In the original, the four were pioneers, braving the unknown. In this one, they’re on an existing space platform, not really pioneering at all, and only get their powers because Reed screws up. As Johnny calls him in one scene, Reed is “the world’s dumbest smart guy.”

Everyone is brought back down to Earth to undergo testing, but at first, nothing seems to be wrong, except that Susan and Reed seem to be rekindling their lost romance while Victor, who had been interrupted literally in mid-proposal, is left to stew alone. But then Johnny sneaks out to go skiing and ends up catching fire and melting his own hot tub in the snow.

While Reed and Sue have an ex-lovers’ quarrel that ends up with Sue and her disturbingly blue contact lenses turning invisible and Reed stretching his arm to impossible lengths.

Realizing that something has gone wrong, they rush to Ben’s room to check on him. Reed stretches his arm under the door to unlock it from the inside.

But by the time they get in, Ben is gone, having smashed through the wall. He goes back home to New York, pausing along the way to steal a hat and oversized overcoat (echoing the Thing’s very first appearance in FF#1). He calls his fiance, hoping for comfort, but she runs screaming from him. Ben ends up sitting alone on the Brookyn Bridge.

And at this point, let me address one thing this film did really well–casting. Chiklis perfectly embodies Ben, both in his beefy build and gruff personality, but also in his vulnerability and sense of humor. Evans is great as the Human Torch as well, capturing the character’s youthful daring and quick temper. Gruffudd as Reed is a mixed bag, because he really captures the character as written–brilliant, but absent-minded–but I don’t really love this screw-up, comedy relief Reed. Alba also does her best, but between the blue contacts and the rewrite of the character into a brilliant geneticist, I have trouble buying the character.

Another thing I have a little trouble buying–the coincidence that leads to their public debut. Ben is sitting on the bridge when he stops a guy from jumping to his death by scaring the dude to death, which leads to Ben having the save the guy from getting run over on the bridge. The resulting pile-up stops traffic, including the rest of the gang, coming to Manhattan to search for Ben. And when a fire truck responding to the accident almost runs off the bridge, it takes all four members to prevent tragedy, which puts them on the evening news.

Their new notoriety is not helpful to Doom, facing pressure from his board of directors to turn around falling share prices in the wake of the debacle in space. Also irksome: a tiny scar on his face.

This recalls a concept I’ve seen attributed to John Byrne. Let me backtrack: in the comics, Doctor Doom was always seen with a mask covering his face. In his origin story, it was revealed that his face was scarred in an experiment gone wrong, one which left him angry and with a grudge against Reed Richards. It was always assumed that his face was hideous under the mask, like the Phantom of the Opera.

But during John Byrne’s tenure on the book, he put forth the idea in interviews (although I don’t think he ever actually put it in a story) that Doom’s disfigurement was actually just one tiny scar, a slight imperfection that most people wouldn’t even notice. It was only Doom’s colossal vanity that led him to wear a mask to cover up his “disfigurement.”

And just let me add that I don’t love Byrne for the other change to Doom’s character, that of making him into a corporate mogul. Byrne didn’t actually do this to Doom; he did it to Lex Luthor in his reboot of Superman in the late 80’s. But the concept has carried over from Luthor to the Green Goblin in Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man to here. And though I can appreciate the concept that leads a writer to have pressure from the board of directors lead the villain to snap, I don’t think it makes for an especially memorable villain. It makes him look weak and small to be pushed around and bullied like this.

Anyway, the Fantastic Four all move into Reed’s quarters in the Baxter Building to seek a cure for their condition (except Johnny, who doesn’t think he needs a cure), where they are greeted by mailman Willy Lumpkin.

Yeah, that’s the obligatory Stan Lee cameo, but this time, he’s actually playing a character from the comics.

Which leads into a fun montage as the characters learn to master and live with their powers, such as Reed using his stretching to grab toilet paper from the other room while he’s, um, occupied. But he is also working on a cure to turn Ben normal again.

Meanwhile, Doom (whom no one has worried about because he was in the shielded part of the base when the storm hit, and therefore supposedly unaffected) is also mutating. His bones appear to be turning into a sort of indestructible organic metal. And he seems to generate electricity. Which is bad in terms of being a perfect CEO, but good in terms of getting revenge.

See you next week for Part 2.

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Out of the Vault – 1963

I’ve been looking back over Steve Bissette’s blog (due to his linking to my old Vault article about D’arc Tangent a couple of times). His lament that 1963 will now definitely never be reprinted spurred me to dig out my back issues to see what all the fuss was about–“the fuss” being what was so great about the comic that they would work so hard to reprint it, not the issues that tanked the deal, which were personal and not the kind of thing I tend to spend a lot of time on.

The first thing to realize here is that there was no comic actually titled 1963. The series actually consisted of six differently-titled issues, each purporting to be a different issue of a Marvel-like line of comics published in 1963. The series was published by Image, and written by Alan Moore (who would apparently like it if his name was never again connected to it, but screw that) with art by a host of famous names, including Bissette, Rick Veitch, Dave Gibbons, Don Simpson (Megaton Man is still sealed deep in the Vault, but I may bust out some Border Worlds soon), Chester Brown (Yummy Fur, which you’ll never see here), Jim Valentino, and an uncredited Murphy Anderson doing colors.

The first issue, cover-dated April 1993, is titled Mystery Incorporated. And in the first scene, everything has a very familiar vibe.

This is so much like those early Lee/Kirby issues of books like Fantastic Four that it almost hurts. The layouts, the anonymous intruder navigating a series of deathtraps for reasons unknown, the note-perfect dialogue–it’s parody, and yet too perfectly spot-on to be parody.

And it’s important to note at this point that, like other Alan Moore projects like Watchmen and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the project does not stop with comics. Each issue features a letters page in the style of early Marvel (with made-up fan letters, though some come from famous names like Diana Schutz and Neil Gaiman), a hype page pitching their other books written in the style of the old Stan Lee Soapbox, and even fake ads which take off on actual ads from the 60’s. It’s like reading actual comics from an alternate universe (which, not surprisingly, turns out to be a common theme in all the 1963 stories).

The intruder turns out to be The Planet, a member of a familiar-looking superteam called Mystery Incorporated, and he is, of course, just running the gauntlet to test their defenses and not coincidentally, show off how awesome the group is (since everybody takes part in the exercise). The team is a close facsimile of the Fantastic Four with a few tweaks here and there. But soon, they are dealing with an actual intruder who captures Kid Dynamo (our Human Torch stand-in).

One interesting thing to note is that our intruder just happens to be wearing the same costume as Superman-killer Doomsday, who was first introduced a few months earlier.

Anyway, investigation reveals that the intruder may be a time and/or dimension traveler who escapes into an alternate reality via the Maybe Machine with Kid Dynamo as his hostage, so the rest of the team follows.

The next issue was titled No One Escapes… The Fury! and detailed the adventures of a young acrobatic crimefighter, like a cross between early Spider-Man and pre-Frank Miller Daredevil. The Fury ends up fighting two menaces, one an old enemy called the Voidoid who has acquired weapons from the future (or perhaps an alternate future) which he uses to attack our hero, until a reanimated psychic dinosaur called the Warbeast shows up. The Fury ends up using Voidoid’s futuristic weapons to take down the monster, which gives Steve Bissette an excuse to draw an awesome dinosaur monster.

Issue three was Tales of the Uncanny, featuring two heroes in a shared book, like the early Marvel Tales to Astonish. In the lead feature, Captain America stand-in U.S.A. (Ultimate Secret Agent) prevents the assassination of the president in Dallas, with aid from a mysterious doppelganger of the would-be assassin (or patsy), Leo Harley Osborne. U.S.A. then saves Osborne from assassination by Brian Ruby, inserting himself into a famous historical photo in the process.

Brian Ruby turns out to be Communist supervillain Red Brain (a take-off on the Nazi Red Skull), and U.S.A. beats him with help from the mysterious Osborne doppelganger from the future. In the second story, the Hypernaut faces off against an enemy from the 4th Dimension (who can only be perceived in our reality as three-dimensional “slices”).

The next issue was another double-feature, Tales from Beyond, featuring the N-Man (a Hulk-like man-monster) and Johnny Beyond, a beatnik Doctor Strange. They were followed in issue five by Horus, Lord of Light, who leads a college coed on an awe-inspiring journey through the nether realms of Egyptian mythology in much the same way the Mighty Thor would visit Asgard from Earth.

The sixth and final issue brought the series full circle, as The Tomorrow Syndicate, an Avengers-like team-up of N-Man, Hypernaut, Horus, and U.S.A., along with Infra-Man and Infra-Girl, set off on a journey through the alternate realities of the Maybe Machine in a quest to rescue Mystery Incorporated, who disappeared back in issue one. And as they travel through the realities, they arrive at a nexus, where our 60’s Not-Marvel stars meet some 60’s Not-DC stars, before Veitch decides to stop being cute and just include some honest-to-goodness cameos from the DC and Marvel stars we know and love.

The 1963 Annotations page identifies Superman on the left with his death certificate (since Superman had just suffered his much-publicized “death” a few months before) and Swamp Thing on the right, but the fellow second-in-line on the right, with the domino mask and widow’s peak, could well be The Comedian from Watchmen (in his younger days), while the fellow back in line on the left with the black body and glowing yellow/red face is The One, a former Veitch character covered in a previous Vault.

Finally, our heroes pick up the trail of Mystery Incorporated and follow it to discover the mysterious intruder from issue one.

And see, here’s the thing: for six issues, we’ve been following all these disparate adventures with their references to time travel and alternate universes, and we know that it must be building to something. Moore, Bissette and Veitch are not hacks; there’s got to be something deeper at work here, a final revelation that will give us something more meaningful than “we spent six issues slavishly parodying 60’s Marvel comics because, well, you bought ’em, didn’t you?”

And in the final panel, we get that revelation. Our mysterious intruder is…

Fuck.

That dude is Shaft from Rob Liefeld’s Youngblood, with other Image Comics characters on the video screens behind him. The big revelation of all the alternate universe stuff is that the 1963 characters are all going to cross over and meet with the rest of the notoriously-badly-written Image Comics universe? Seriously?

Alas, yes, although it never happened. I’m not going to go into the reasons, but I shed no tears over never seeing that book. I wasn’t buying the rest of Image’s line for a reason, you know.

Good news is, due to a contractual agreement between the partners, Bissette has rights to some of the characters of the 1963 line and is planning at some point still (I think) to bring out new comics with the characters,

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Week 12.5 – Frog Boy Redux

Previously: Digger has traveled back in time to become Frog Boy, where he has found a mysterious glowing crystal. And now…

He held the pendant close to his face and examined it. The crystal was the same one, he was sure of it. Same size and shape, although now that he took a closer look at it, he could see something else he hadn’t noticed before. There was some kind of symbol carved into it, nearly invisible against the clear quartz surface and obscured by the blue glow.

He reached a finger up to trace the symbol. The guy he’d taken the pendant from grunted in pain and as his finger brushed against the crystal’s surface, the raucous clatter of the flea market fell away in an instant, replaced by a rushing in his ears as the world grew dark.

The darkness was their motel room; they’d never bothered to turn on the lights, so the only light was what leaked in around the blackout curtains and the flickering light from the TV, which was fine by him. And the rushing noise was once again not the sound of time rushing past his ears, but merely the swirl of the toilet.

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”right”]He ran his fingertip over the mark, halfway expecting to disappear. “There’s something carved on the stone…”[/blockquote]Twain stepped out of the bathroom, glanced at Digger and did a double-take. “Who the hell are you?” he asked, taking up a defensive posture.

Digger ripped off the smelly rubber mask. “Calm down. It’s just me.”

Twain looked at him for a moment, perplexed, taking in the jumpsuit, the frog mask, the swim fins on his feet. And then he burst out laughing. “What the hell were you doing?”

“It’s not even like that,” Digger said. He threw down the mask. “The stupid cup doesn’t work.”

“You didn’t go back in time?” Twain asked as he washed his hands.

“Oh, I went back in time, all right,” Digger said. “I went back almost 15 years and became my own worst enemy. What I didn’t do was prevent the Cobalt Czar from taking his hostage.”

“Are you sure?”

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Of course,” Twain said.

“Then I’m sure,” Digger said. “If we both know about it, then it still happened.”

“Damn,” Twain said. “It sounds less useful than I’d hoped.”

“Tell me about it,” Digger said. “One weird thing, though.”

“What?”

Digger went to the cup, sitting still assembed on the dresser next to the TV. He took it apart and pulled out the crystal, examined it closely. And yes, on one side, he could make out the faint mark carved into its surface. He ran his fingertip over the mark, halfway expecting to disappear. “There’s something carved on the stone,” he told Twain.

“What?” Twain stepped to Digger’s side to peer closely at the surface of the crystal.

“I don’t know,” Digger said. “Looks like a Chinese letter or something.”

“Character,” Twain corrected. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Before Digger could ask what he was doing, Twain was out the door. He returned about ten minutes later with a small sack from a convenience store. He held out his hand. “Give me the crystal.”

What is Twain planning? And what could the Chinese character mean? Join us next week for the next exciting chapter of Hero Go Home!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to next week’s episodes, click here!

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Week 12.4 – Frog Boy Redux

Previously: Digger, in disguise as Frog Boy, was fighting with his younger self when he spotted a young man wearing the crystal which had been instrumental in sending him back through time. And now…

Something flashed in the corner of his eye, and then he was hit in the face by something hard. He stumbled back. The younger Digger was glaring triumphantly at him.

“Knew I’d find a hole in your defenses sometime,” he said. He stepped forward for a follow-up blow, but Digger caught his arm, twisted and threw him to slide across the floor.

Digger turned to look back at the guy wearing the blue crystal, but he was nowhere to be seen. Twain had said there would be a sign to show him the way back to his own time. The blue crystal had to have something to do with it.

“Hey, don’t ignore me!” came a shout, and then Digger heard a familiar snap and a rising whine. He spun and brought up his arm, knocked his younger self’s arm straight up just as the Driller blasted with a roar that echoed loudly from the metal ceiling, but did no real damage that far up. Digger deflected a follow-up blow down and to the side, which blew a hole in the concrete floor. He heard a lady’s voice scream with terror from her hiding place in the nearby booth damaged in the blast. It was time to end this. People could get hurt.

He went on the offensive, threw a flurry of blows to gut and solar plexus and face and throat, followed it up with a kick that sent his younger self crashing through another booth.

The younger Digger didn’t roll to his feet quite so quickly this time, stunned by the ferocity of the attack. Digger walked through the path of destruction he’d created, starting to sweat inside the rubber mask. The thing smelled even worse wet. “Let it go, kid,” he said. “Go find your guy.”

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”left”]“Hey, don’t ignore me!” came a shout, and then Digger heard a familiar snap and a rising whine. He spun and brought up his arm, knocked his younger self’s arm straight up just as the Driller blasted with a roar…[/blockquote]His other self glared back him. “No! No way I get beaten by some dick in a stupid-ass frog costume!”

Digger shook his head. “I was right. You really are a douchebag.”

His younger self looked wounded. “What?”

Digger pointed at the door. “He’s getting away.”

His younger self turned to look and started to say something, but Digger didn’t care what it was. He turned and sprinted the other way, in the direction he’d seen the young man with the blue crystal, the swim fins on his boots slapping against the ground. He could not wait to get out of here and out of this ridiculous get-up. He turned a corner and saw the guy, grabbed him by the shoulder to spin him around. The guy jumped, startled by the frog mask. “What do you want?” he asked with an accent Digger couldn’t place.

“Sorry, guy,” Digger said. He whipped the crystal pendant off from around the dude’s neck.

“What are you doing?” the guy shouted. “That’s mine!”

“I know,” Digger said, “and I’m sorry, but this is my ticket home.”

Footsteps pounded up behind him as an odd clattering grew closer, but he could focus only on the crystal.

What will happen next? Be here tomorrow for our next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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Week 12.3 – Frog Boy Redux

Previously: Instead of going back in time to stop the Cobalt Czar from abducting his unknown hostage, Digger has traveled back over a decade to find out that he is his own worst enemy. And now…

Digger was sprinting the moment he landed, using his sticky feet to minimize his bounce and give him immediate traction. He dodged around and between booths, hopped over people loitering in his way, vaulted over a last booth just in time to see his younger self turn anxiously toward the door. His body tensed as if he were about to leap, when Digger slammed into him.

The younger Digger hit the ground, but quickly rolled to his feet, pretty impressive given how easily he could have gotten tangled in his poncho. “Dude, what the hell?”

Digger pitched his voice low to keep his voice from being recognized. The reek inside the stifling mask made him want to gag. “Listen, you don’t know me, but…”

“What?” His younger self asked. “I can’t understand a word you’re saying, and I’ve really got to get going.”

Digger grabbed his arm before he could walk away. He spoke a little louder to be heard through the mask. “You’ve got to let that guy leave the building.”

The younger Digger shook his arm free of Digger’s grip. “No way. If you know about him, then you know he’s got information I need. So you can either help me or get out of the way, because you can’t stop me.”

“I’m already stopping you,” Digger said.

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”right”]“Hey, I know that song,” he said. “So what?” his younger self said as he lunged forward to swing at Digger…[/blockquote]“Whatever, dude,” his younger self said. He turned and tensed to leap away. But just as his feet were leaving the ground, Digger leaped up and kicked him with both feet, knocking him through two rows of booths. He followed amid startled cries and angry shouts.

His younger self was just getting up beside a booth full of old sheet music and Dungeons and Dragons miniatures. Digger spotted an old piece of sheet music with an illustration of two cute kids dancing–Dance With a Dolly (With a Hole in Her Stocking). “Hey, I know that song,” he said.

“So what?” his younger self said as he lunged forward to swing at Digger.

It was an embarrassing punch, clumsy and telegraphed. It might have hurt if it had connected, but Digger evaded it with ease.

Man, was I ever this green? Digger wondered as the attacks kept coming. Even if he hadn’t played and replayed this fight in his head dozens of times over the years, he would have been able to evade almost all of his other self’s attacks. His years in Hell had given him a lot more experience fighting without his Drillers, and his reflexes were still just as fast. And the more frustrated his other self got, the easier it became to read his moves and counter them.

But then something caught his eye. Down an aisle, he could see a swarthy fellow, young with a stringy mustache and a scattering of straggly chin whiskers desperately wishing to call themselves a beard. He was dressed in pressed khakis and a madras shirt. But that wasn’t the remarkable thing.

Around his neck, he wore the blue crystal!

What will happen next? Be here tomorrow for the next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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Week 12.2 – Frog Boy Redux

Previously: Instead of going back in time to stop the Cobalt Czar from taking his hostage, Digger has found himself in the Berkeley flea market where he encountered Frog Boy. He has just spotted Frog Boy’s mask in the crowded venue. And now…

The mask was not on a person. It was on a hat tree, a six-foot pole with rods sticking out from it all along its length. Each rod bore either a rubber mask or a silly hat. The next booth over had gardening and home improvement supplies, including painters’ jumpsuits and leather work gloves. And somewhere around here, he was sure, was a booth that had swim fins.

Frog Boy had never appeared again because he had only existed for the few short minutes they had fought on this day. Frog Boy was Digger.

It made sense. He didn’t want to reveal to his younger self that he was from the future, especially if it made him too confident in his assured success. There were a couple of times there when the cartel might have killed him if he hadn’t been especially paranoid about watching his back.

There was a crash and a shout from somewhere in the other direction. A distant voice shouted, “Hey, stop that guy!”

As people turned to look in the direction of the shout, Digger sprang forward, grabbed the frog mask, then sprinted to the table with the painters’ smocks. He grabbed a smock and a pair of gloves, and as angry shouts rose in his wake, he sprinted around a corner and almost ran into a booth full of cheap imported pool toys, including swim fins. He helped himself to a pair and leaped away.

Damn, he was turning into quite the thief, but then again, he couldn’t very well pay in cash that hadn’t been minted yet, could he? He silently promised to return the stuff after he was done.

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”left”]He pulled the mask on–it had a strong odor that reminded him vaguely of baby puke…[/blockquote]He sprinted at inhuman speed, using his heightened senses and reflexes to duck around and in between booths to confuse pursuers, and when he was far enough away, he slowed to a walk and hid the Drillers under the smock. He ducked behind a booth to change. He had to hurry. The guy his younger self was following–Desmond Smuts–would be exiting the building any minute now.

Then again, he thought as he pulled on the too-large suede work gloves–which barely managed to fit over the Drillers–he had all the time in the world. After all, he’d already experienced this from the other side; he knew that he would make it in time. He could stop for a cappuccino and still be assured of getting to his past self before it was too late.

Except that was bullshit. He had no idea whether his future self had hurried to get there in time, and besides, he didn’t really drink cappuccino.

He pulled the mask on–it had a strong odor that reminded him vaguely of baby puke–and dashed back out from between the booths. He leaped up to get a view over the booths to where the other Digger was. He was inspecting the hookah Smuts had been looking at. Any second now, he would take off in pursuit!

Will the fight turn out as Digger remembered? And what does this have to do with the Cobalt Czar’s hostage? Join us tomorrow for the next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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Week 12.1 – Frog Boy Redux

Run, Digger, Run! chapters are now listed in the menu! Hover over the Novels link and select Run, Digger, Run! Each link goes to the first episode of that week, and all episodes now have links to the next. I wasn’t completely idle during my week off.

Previously: Twain threw the magical juice from the Cup of Regret into Digger’s face in an attempt to send him back in time. And now…

As Digger wiped the sticky liquid out of his eyes, he felt a tingle, like the flutter of ten thousand moth wings against his body. A roar rose in his ears, and vibrations under his feet. It took a moment for him to realize that the roar was not the sound of time rushing past his ears, but the babble of a thousand voices in a cavernous space.

He opened his eyes. He was in a huge metal building crammed with vendors’ booths, like a state fair or a flea market. Something had gone wrong. He was supposed to go back only a few days, yet he hadn’t been in a place like this in years. Then again, he was coming back to prevent the Cobalt Czar from taking his hostage; perhaps this was where they’d done it.

He looked around to see if he could spot the balding man from the video, but all around him were just hippies and weirdos in clothes that hadn’t been in fashion in years. What kind of small hick town was this to be so far behind the times? Hell, there was even a guy in a poncho over there.

Something felt wrong, though. Something familiar.

[blockquote type=”blockquote_quotes” align=”right”]Any minute now, Frog Boy would show up to kick his ass.[/blockquote]He looked around again, taking in the clothes, the hair, the eclectic mix of goods on display in the booths. He looked back at the guy in the poncho, who was intent upon something off to Digger’s right. He turned and looked that way to see a man with chestnut hair closely inspecting an antique brass hookah. And then it all fell into place.

He was in a flea market in Berkeley. The guy in the poncho was himself, almost fifteen years ago. And any minute now, Frog Boy would show up to kick his ass.

Digger ducked around a corner to avoid being seen by his younger half. This made no sense. Why would he be sent back here? It had nothing to do with what he was involved with now; he had busted up the smuggling operation years ago and wiped out the follow-on operation only last year in Denver. Neither case had anything to do with Twain or the Cobalt Czar. Why would he sent back to see Frog Boy? Speaking of which…

Digger looked around to see if he could spot where the mysterious villain would appear. He had been so focused on the guy he was tailing last time that he hadn’t even noticed which direction Frog Boy had come from.

It was hard to see clearly in all directions because of the clusters of vendors’ booths, though. Digger shifted this way and that, trying to spot the well-remembered green mask, occasionally glancing back to make sure the fight hadn’t started yet. Where was he?

If he didn’t appear soon, Digger would have to warn his past self against making the grab, but that was supposedly bad, changing the past that way. And then he spotted the familiar green mask. “Oh shit.”

What has Digger seen? To find out, be here tomorrow for the next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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Out of the Vault – Amazing Spider-Man #165 and 166

Okay, so last year at this time, I covered a Flash story from the 90’s that pretty much hit all the standard Christmas story marks. It had your bad guys ruining the season, a kid in danger, and some heavy-handed “reason for the season” symbolism.

For this year’s Christmas Vault, let’s go back another 18 years before that, to 1975, and see how Spider-Man celebrated Christmas through the efforts of writer Len Wein, penciler Ross Andru and inker Mike Esposito. One of the dangers of monthly comics is that after a while, the stories become simultaneously stale and ridiculously convoluted because the creators keep recycling the same villains and formulas over and over again. Add Christmas to the mix, and this is sure to be a saccharine yawn-fest. So let’s get this over with.

The story, as was normal for Spider-Man at the time, is a two-parter, so the first half, “Stegron Stalks the City,” has barely a reference to Christmas. Spider-Man is on patrol when his Spider-Sense warns him of a crime in progress. He investigates and is attacked by a shadowy figure.

The Andru/Esposito team was never my favorite, because Andru’s contorted anatomy lacked the dynamism and control of someone like John Buscema or Neal Adams, while Esposito’s inks had none of the beauty of Joe Sinnott’s or the gritty detail of Dick Giordano’s. But the chiaroscuro here works really well. Like I say, they were never my favorites, but it was this storyline in particular that made me appreciate the things they did well.

Turns out, the guy Spidey fought had just robbed this place, which is a secret S.H.I.E.L.D. lab. What did he steal? We never actually find out. But as the title says, the guy who did the robbing is…

Stegron, the Dinosaur Man! And he has kidnapped the son of one-armed biologist Dr. Curt Connors in order to force Connors to work on a secret project (with the stuff he stole from S.H.I.E.L.D. perhaps?). Later, Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson have a lovers’ quarrel, while J. Jonah Jameson is having his brain scanned for some secret project to destroy Spider-Man. But who cares, right? Because there’s a dinosaur man on the loose.

And even better, he’s bringing dinosaur skeletons… to life!

Spider-Man fights Stegron, but he and the skeletons get away. Meanwhile, a new menace rises to battle Stegron, but then, you knew this would happen as soon as I said the name Curt Connors, didn’t you?

Which brings us to the Christmas issue, dated March 1976, titled in the holiday spirit, “War of the Reptile-Men!” This being before the current warm-blooded dinosaurs theory gained popularity.

So Spider-Man goes to see his old friend, Dr. Connors, because Stegron was once Connors’s lab assistant, so if anyone should know how to beat him, it should be Connors.

Except that the doctor is out, and in his place is The Lizard. After a brief battle, the Lizard escapes and Spider-Man learns about the kidnapping of his son. And after a little housekeeping to set up future plotlines involving J. Jonah’s mind-controlled Spider-Slayer robots and Peter’s failing love-life contrasted against Harry Osborne’s impending marriage, we get down to the reason why we even bought this issue: Christmas dinosaur rampage!

You see, Stegron’s gun doesn’t just reanimate the skeletons. By turning it up, he can put the flesh back on them and bring them completely back to life, after which Dr. Connors will perfect a process to clone an entire army of them to conquer the world. Oh, why oh why couldn’t Jurassic Park III have used this plotline?

Except Dr. Connors is now The Lizard and much more interested in kicking Stegron’s scaly ass! Or, you know, tail.

Spider-Man shows up just as the re-fleshed dinosaurs are beginning their rampage through Central Park!

I don’t know which is funnier, the fact that Spider-Man’s plan is to induce panic in the dinosaurs or the fact that he thinks a couple of police cruisers will be able to stop them.

So Spider-Man confronts Stegron and The Lizard, and things look bad for him, caught between the two of them. For about a second, anyway, until he uses his web-shooters to dose The Lizard with a re-Connors-fying serum, while Stegron flees out into the park. Which leads to this…

Seriously, this has to be a contender for one of the ten most awesome single comics panels from the entire decade of the 70’s, and it so perfectly captures the “anything can happen” spirit that drives comics at their most appealing.

Unfortunately, there isn’t enough room  in the issue for anything but a perfunctory ending, so Spidey saves Billy, Curt Connors reverses the polarity on Stegron’s gun to revert the dinosaurs to lifeless skeletons again, and as Stegron is making his escape, he (being cold-blooded) succumbs to the cold and tumbles into the freezing river to drown while lamenting that he should have waited till Spring. Ya think?

So the city is saved, and the Connors family is back together to exchange presents by the tree, and Spider-Man delivers a final Christmas greeting.

You know, I probably wouldn’t hate Christmas quite so much if we got more Christmas stories like this. Like if Santa’s sleigh was pulled by dinosaurs! How cool would that be?

Merry Dino-Spider-Christmas from Digger and me!

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Week 11.5 – The Plan, Revealed

Wow! Finally caught up, just in time to go on a one-week hiatus till the new year. You’ll thank me.

Previously: Twain had filled the stolen cup with special secret juice and set it outside to charge in the sunlight. And now…

Twain refused to explain any further, just sat by the window occasionally peeking out the curtains to make sure the cup was undisturbed. They passed the time by watching The Price Is Right. Finally, Twain looked at his phone and said, “Time’s up.”

He opened the door and retrieved the cup. The amber liquid had darkened to a greenish color, and when Twain shut the door, Digger could see a faint cloudy glow playing just over the cup, like a tiny, sickly Aurora Borealis.

“This,” said Twain, staring fixedly at the aurora swirling over the cup, “is the Cup of Your Regret.”

“What?”

Twain looked at Digger. “That’s its name.”

“That’s a terrible name,” Digger said. “I’m not drinking out of that.”

Twain shook his head impatiently. “Look, haven’t you ever done something you later wished you hadn’t? Something you regretted?”

“Who hasn’t?”

“Well, this lets you go back and fix it,” Twain said.

“What, like time travel or something?” Digger asked.

“Exactly.”

“Oh, well then, I’m absolutely not drinking it,” Digger said.

“Why not?” Twain asked.

“Because time travel never helps,” Digger said. “It never helps.”

“You don’t know that,” Twain said.

“I know that,” Digger answered. “You think I haven’t been around this particular block before? You either can’t fix what you wanted to fix, or else you fix it, only to find out you screwed up something else worse,  and that’s only if you’re lucky and don’t end up destroying the world as you knew it.”

“But this isn’t…”

“Seriously, no. Just no,” Digger said. “Geez, if I’d known time travel was all you were talking about, we could have gone to see Doctor Cyber and saved some time and a few criminal charges. He has a time machine that’s just as useless.”

“Yeah, but where and when would you have it take you?” Twain asked. “The cup knows. Or maybe it’s your own mind that knows somehow. But if I read the legends right, the cup takes you to the exact time and place that needs fixing. No blundering around changing other things.”

“Really? And what happens when it’s fixed. Do you just come back automatically?”

“Not sure about that one,” Twain said. “There’s supposed to be some kind of sign or marker.”

“What?”

“When I say ‘some kind of,’ it usually means I don’t know,” Twain said. “But you’ll supposedly know it when you see it.”

Digger shrugged. “Well, that’s clear as mud. Doesn’t matter anyway, I guess, since I’m not drinking it.”

“Why not?” Twain asked. “Are you a coward? A scaredy cat?”

“Yes!” Digger answered. “Which is why I’m still alive.”

Twain rubbed his chin and contemplated the cup in his hand. “Damn, I really wanted to watch someone else try it before I did it myself. Then again, I don’t know that you’d actually have to drink it.”

“What are you talking about?” Digger asked.

Twain smiled at him. “You’ll thank me.”

“Wait,” Digger said as the liquid splashed in his face.

Will Digger actually travel through time? And if so, where will he end up? Join us NEXT YEAR for the next exciting episode!

To read from the beginning, click here

Or to continue to the next episode, click here!

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